I can't believe how lonely it is. I've become a stay at home mom, not for the lack of trying. I'm pregnant with my third and last child. I spend my days with my boys and dealing with extremely bad headaches and nausea. Yay for morning sickness lasting all day. The panic attacks have gotten a lot worse, probably because of being lonely. Even though I try to spend time with friends, it's kind of hard when you don't have any to begin with. It sucks when people just abandon you. Were they ever my friends or did they even care?

Still Broken.

Haven't written in a while. Thought I would try this again. Though I stopped because it wasn't helping. Hell all it did was piss me off. I don't need to be angrier then I already am. Every damn day. Sunday I fell apart worse than I have since dad died. My mom had me hang her work clothes that were in the dryer. The first shirt that I pulled out was my dad's. She wears them sometimes when she's home. I was a wreak, even more than I have been. I still can't believe he's gone, when it's been 5 months. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to see a doctor for the attacks but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't need anyone to tell me that I'm crazy when I already think I am! I feel so alone and Lost.

Grinning and Bearing, That's Never Been Me!

I don't understand why people don't own up to screwing up. I'm the type of person that if you do something to hurt me and piss me off. I will tell you that's how I've always been. An if you're dumb enough to not care and do it again then I can become, some have called hostile. I'm not going to be the one to fix a damn thing when people have continued to hurt me! There is a quote that I absolutely love: "There is no try, only do."- Yoda. Yoda is Rockstar! But it's true you don't try to change you just do it. You don't try to fix things, you do it. YOU! Not me I'm not going to pretend that you're actions towards me were okay. They were far from it. Quit making yourself out to be a victim. YOU AREN'T! YOU CAN'T JUST TREAT SOMEONE THAT WAY AND THEN BE SURPRISED WHEN THEY ARE MAD AT YOU. You are the reason why we aren't friends and I don't care if we are.

I don't know

Yesterday was another bad day again. Work sucked and Matt and I got into another fight. I almost left because I was so mad at him. The last couple days have been so rough. It was two months ago Sunday that my dad died and it feels like it was yesterday. I went to the store yesterday because I plan on making french macarons today. I also decided to buy a copy of the new star wars movie, bad idea. At least this soon. You're probably wondering why, so I will explain. The Sunday before dad died, I talked him into seeing the next tuesday. A theater here does $5 Tuesdays so it was perfect. Plus he hadn't seen it yet and I wanted to talk about it with him so bad. He didn't really feel like going. I mean he even asked my mom that day whose idea was it. But we went and we took my nieces and Luke with us and they all had so much fun. Even dad. Then after we saw it we talked about it, our thing. The next day at that same time he was dead though we still didn't know it. So Luke wanted to watch it last night but we didn't finish it because I had a panic attack. I've been having them a lot since dad died, though they started two months before when my grandma died. I was really close to her as well. But its different with my dad. See i had, sort of gotten passed her death. She was sick since 2011 and it wasn't if she would die as to when. My dad's was sudden, very sudden. Though my mom thinks nothing could have been done to save him, I still beat myself up. I felt like I should stay and I didn't and Im mad that I didn't. It took me a long time before I could calm down. Maybe I'm going crazy. I just hope there will come a day when I can watch that movie, finish it and without having a panic attack.

Very Hard Day

Well today was a hard day. Thanks in part to Facebook's on this day and in part because of my job. Two years ago this week Matt and I took Luke to Disneyland. My parents went with us. It was so much fun. On Facebook today was the pictures with Luke and my dad in the tender seat on the train and while we were waiting do the train. With work, I working in a bakery and one of the baker positions became available. I went to school two be a baker so perfect for me. No one told me that it was available until it was too late and offered to the donut fryer who is 18 with no experience. Yeah I'm pissed. I wish I could talk to my dad about this. He was the only one that was there for me. So of course with him gone I have no one. I feel like I'm all tied up or something. Completely tense and out of control and I can't breathe. I don't know. I need someone to help me through it but I don't. Do I really have to ask for someone to be there for me? I shouldn't have to when I'm going through the hardest thing that I have ever experienced. But when I do people act like they are victims like they are the ones who lost their dad and I'm the one not there for them. And I end up being the one apologizing to them!? There is something wrong with that. Seriously they need to look at the following especially #2, #8, #9 and #22

Feeling Numb. I hate Wednesdays.

It's been a while since I've written in this blog. What's changed? Well our little boy Lucas isn't so little as a 5 year old. We have another little boy added to our brood. Zade is 9 months old and is the sweetest. And Matt and I have been fighting more than usual. Mainly because I've been having a very hard time. I've been told that this would be a good outlet for me to deal with my grief. Grief what a strange word. I'll be honest, I didn't ever expect to bury one of my parents yet. I figured that be a few more decades. But that is what my February was like. February 3, 2016 my dad died, he was a month away from turning 60. The official cause of death was hypertensive cardiovascular disease. He had an enlarged heart what we think happened is that he vagaled and it caused an arrhythmia. I saw him like an hour before, after dropping Luke off at school. There wasn't anyone there that could have done anything until 6 o'clock that night, 8 hours later. What has been bugging me is that as I was leaving my parents' house that morning I had a feeling that I should stay and I ignored it. Maybe I could have done something, anything. Grief. I'm mad at him, Heavenly Father and pretty much everyone. All because he's gone. What has made it harder is that someone keeps trying to steal his Facebook profile and pretending to be him. Seriously heartless! Matt has been there for me but I think he wishes I would get past it. But at least he has tried no one else has. I've been asked what can someone do about it. Hell I don't know and I'm going through it. All I know is just to be there. There is a poem that says it better than I ever could.

Support From Others

Author Unknown

Don’t tell me that you understand.
Don’t tell me that you know.
Don’t tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.
Don’t come at me with answers
That can only come from me.
Don’t tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.
Accept me in my ups and downs.

I need someone to share. 

Just hold my hand and let me cry
And say, “My friend, I care.

I know that has been what I've needed. Its been really hard. I'm angry and alone. I can't go to my family because they're going through it too and I feel like I should be strong for them. But it's so damn hard being strong all of the time. When all of a sudden I feel like I can't breathe and all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. It was so surreal seeing him in that coffin. Watching my mom, the strongest person I know, falling apart. I drew something that I want for a tattoo Matt won't give me the go ahead even though he should. He won't even tell me how it looks or where.

It's the Celtic symbol for the bond between a father and daughter with "You're missing from me" in Greek and the day he died. I hate Wednesdays even though it's my day off because it was a Wednesday when he died. I've inherited a 1977 ford mustang 2 from him that I want to restore since it hasn't been driven in almost 20 years and I don't know how it should be. I miss my dad and all I want is to hear his voice again and ask him what color it should be. 

On Facebook REALLY?!

So a week ago i learned some disturbing news. My dad was diagnosed with stage 3 kidney disease (renal failure). He was born with one kidney which is functioning at 46%. And how i found this out? well if the title give you any clue then there you go. It makes me mad, I mean im worried about my dad but there was a better way for my parents to tell me. They told one of my brothers the night they found out. However the rest of us had to find out on Facebook. Anyway i just have to vent, and i can't vent to Matt. I've been frustrated lately not just for that but i feel that htere is something seriously wrong with me. Back in December me and Luke fell off our porch. I should've gone to the doctor but we didn't have insurance for me. Now 9 months later im still in pain and its constantly. And it feels like it's gotton worse. I just don't know what to do. I"m going through a tough time right now and i feel like i have no one to turn to.