Very Hard Day

Well today was a hard day. Thanks in part to Facebook's on this day and in part because of my job. Two years ago this week Matt and I took Luke to Disneyland. My parents went with us. It was so much fun. On Facebook today was the pictures with Luke and my dad in the tender seat on the train and while we were waiting do the train. With work, I working in a bakery and one of the baker positions became available. I went to school two be a baker so perfect for me. No one told me that it was available until it was too late and offered to the donut fryer who is 18 with no experience. Yeah I'm pissed. I wish I could talk to my dad about this. He was the only one that was there for me. So of course with him gone I have no one. I feel like I'm all tied up or something. Completely tense and out of control and I can't breathe. I don't know. I need someone to help me through it but I don't. Do I really have to ask for someone to be there for me? I shouldn't have to when I'm going through the hardest thing that I have ever experienced. But when I do people act like they are victims like they are the ones who lost their dad and I'm the one not there for them. And I end up being the one apologizing to them!? There is something wrong with that. Seriously they need to look at the following especially #2, #8, #9 and #22

Feeling Numb. I hate Wednesdays.

It's been a while since I've written in this blog. What's changed? Well our little boy Lucas isn't so little as a 5 year old. We have another little boy added to our brood. Zade is 9 months old and is the sweetest. And Matt and I have been fighting more than usual. Mainly because I've been having a very hard time. I've been told that this would be a good outlet for me to deal with my grief. Grief what a strange word. I'll be honest, I didn't ever expect to bury one of my parents yet. I figured that be a few more decades. But that is what my February was like. February 3, 2016 my dad died, he was a month away from turning 60. The official cause of death was hypertensive cardiovascular disease. He had an enlarged heart what we think happened is that he vagaled and it caused an arrhythmia. I saw him like an hour before, after dropping Luke off at school. There wasn't anyone there that could have done anything until 6 o'clock that night, 8 hours later. What has been bugging me is that as I was leaving my parents' house that morning I had a feeling that I should stay and I ignored it. Maybe I could have done something, anything. Grief. I'm mad at him, Heavenly Father and pretty much everyone. All because he's gone. What has made it harder is that someone keeps trying to steal his Facebook profile and pretending to be him. Seriously heartless! Matt has been there for me but I think he wishes I would get past it. But at least he has tried no one else has. I've been asked what can someone do about it. Hell I don't know and I'm going through it. All I know is just to be there. There is a poem that says it better than I ever could.

Support From Others

Author Unknown

Don’t tell me that you understand.
Don’t tell me that you know.
Don’t tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.
Don’t come at me with answers
That can only come from me.
Don’t tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.
Accept me in my ups and downs.

I need someone to share. 

Just hold my hand and let me cry
And say, “My friend, I care.

I know that has been what I've needed. Its been really hard. I'm angry and alone. I can't go to my family because they're going through it too and I feel like I should be strong for them. But it's so damn hard being strong all of the time. When all of a sudden I feel like I can't breathe and all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. It was so surreal seeing him in that coffin. Watching my mom, the strongest person I know, falling apart. I drew something that I want for a tattoo Matt won't give me the go ahead even though he should. He won't even tell me how it looks or where.

It's the Celtic symbol for the bond between a father and daughter with "You're missing from me" in Greek and the day he died. I hate Wednesdays even though it's my day off because it was a Wednesday when he died. I've inherited a 1977 ford mustang 2 from him that I want to restore since it hasn't been driven in almost 20 years and I don't know how it should be. I miss my dad and all I want is to hear his voice again and ask him what color it should be.